Orphans: Life’s Little Guilt Trips


Look, Ill put out the fires just for the gold. You dont need to give me more incentive.

Look, I'll put out the fires just for the gold.

LOCATION: Any town the Headless Horseman tries to burn.

FACTION: Neutral

Orphans.  They’re everywhere it seems.  In the spring we have to deal with Children’s Week, where we lug this hapless kids around all of Azeroth.  Not just Azeroth, but Outland and Northrend now too.  In the fall we have to save their orphanage from the tyrannical fire bombings of the Headless Horseman.  And why?  Why do we do this?  Well certainly there’s the monetary gain and pets, but surely there are better pets and more money to be had for an easier task.  No.  The reason is guilt.  It’s our war that took these poor little brats parents.  Heck, I’ve slaughtered my share of Alliance and Horde NPCs.  Surely some of them had to have kids.  So we take them. We drag them around.  We buy them whatever we want.  But what if it wasn’t just an event…  but a PLOT?

Think about it. Every year we take these little brats wherever THEY want, and we buy them whatever THEY want.  I wouldn’t be surprised if this was some sort of great revenge plot on their part.  It’s only a matter of time before they become an undefeatable raid boss.  Maybe in the next expansion.  A bunch of orphans will run in and merge into one giant orphan and we’ll be forced to either kill the kids or not raid, and it won’t drop any loot, just cry. Cry and proclaim that we’re monsters.  Total buzzkill boss. Who would want to fight that?  So then it would break out of the raid setting. Destroying cities, villages, small two person patrols on long stretches of road! The world of Azeroth will tremble in fear as the engrained behaviors of doing whatever the orphans want prohibits us from defending ourselves as the cry and beg to take control of Ogrimmar, Shattrath, Dalaran, and ultimately the city of Stormwind.  Uniting under the original super powerful (now former) orphan…  ANDUIN WRYNN!  Now united, the Orphans form an army greater than the Legion and the Scourge combined, because no one is going to mount a full scaled assault against children!  And those who will try will be driven away from violence by being asked to purchase toy dragons or ice cream in exchange for small pets.  Truly it will result in destruction not seen since the Third War.

…That or the kids wet their beds crying about how they don’t have a mommy and daddy anymore. Hehehe. Stupid kids.

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Categories: Oddities | Tags: , , , , , | Leave a comment

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