Beware the Bunnies

So it’s Noblegarden time again, and tradition dictates that I make some kind of post about a rabbit. Luckily, I’ve got a doozy of a hare-raising tale that keep you hopping.  Oh I’ve hinted at it, and I’ve mentioned it, but now it’s time to actually talk about.  In the heart of Forsaken territory, beneath the still waters of a small pond, lies an unimaginable terror beyond comprehension:

A GIANT BUNNY SKELETON! No, seriously.  Take a look at that thing.  Look at the bones!  It’s a bunny.  With giant pointy teeth and huge dangerous claws.  I mean, this thing is probably was the most dangerous critter in the history of Azeroth and I am INCLUDING the Darkmoon Rabbit in that.  I mean, Thrall’s balls, that is one big bunny.  Where do you think it came from and how the hell did someone kill it?

Well, I wouldn’t be posting if I didn’t have some theories now would I? The first piece of evidence is quite possibly the location of the Devil Rabbit.  Tirisfal Glades is home to, well, a number of weird things.  From the ongoing fan theory that an Old God dwells beneath the surface contributing to everything from the corruption of Prince Arthas to the slow maddening descent of the current ruler, Lady Windrunner.  The Old God’s ability to twist living things to their needs can easily be witnessed in the “Faceless” and the Qiraji.  However, I am not one hundred percent on this idea. Simply because it seems unlikely that an Old God would choose something like a rabbit to be its minion to bring destruction amongst the living.  Unless the Old God happens to be Sheogorath.  Then it makes perfect sense. Because it doesn’t make any sense.  Who wants cheese?

I suppose there is some merit to having a giant bunny become a tormented bringer of the end times.  For one, just imagine the utter confusion it would cause.  No one would come to anyone’s defense.  I mean, would you send your military forces to aid a neighboring city or land because they’re claiming a giant devil rabbit is slaughtering everyone? No. You’d think they’d gone mad and stopped returning their owls.  Second, is that if the bunny is some horrible nightmarish lovecraftian nightmare, people might hesitate about killing the giant adorable death machine.  Even a seconds hesitation is enough to give beelzebunny a chance to devour you and your kin!

Another possibility lies in the fairy ring that lies in the western hills of Tirisfal.  Perhaps the fairy ring is a link to the Emerald Dream, where nature rules supreme! Ages ago, a living terror burst forth from this ring into the unsuspecting lands of Azeroth.  From deep within the dream, a simple bunny grew massive and powerful and…  okay, honestly I have no idea if there’s any backing to this Emerald Dream theory.  That fairy ring is weird.  A giant bunny is weird.  That’s about the extent of the link.  But you have to admit, I’ve had further reaching theories in the past.

For all we know, this thing could be ancient.  Possibly even pre-dating the titans.  Unless we find out in an expansion or two that rabbits were only made of stone and blah blah blah.  Unlikely.  This thing could be a prehistoric bunny.  Possible an ancestor to the weapon carrying death critters that dwell north of Mulgore.  Which would mean that this thing would pre-date the Shattering!  Or the Sundering.  Whichever of those is older.  Cause let’s be honest, the Sundering was more of a Shattering and the Shattering more of a Sundering really.

Our Hero!

The other thing is how the hell did it die?  I mean, did someone kill it?  Did they use a spear and magic freaking helmet to do it?  Did it drown in some ancient quicksand hole?  Did it drown in the tiny pond because giant death bunnies can’t swim?!  The possibilities are endless.  Though likely it was something along the lines of the quicksand idea because its head and one arm is apparently higher than most of its body. Seems like it was trying to flee from being dragged under.  I still really like the spear and magic helmet idea though.

Really, the biggest question is why no one in the Undercity is trying to come up with a way to ressurect it.  While they seem to have had only success raising dead humans (even cursed humans like worgen are impossible), it’s not out of the absolute range of possibilities.  After all, the Lich King had the frostwyrms.  They were raised dragons.  So there must be SOME way to bring back a giant bunny o’ killomatic from beyond the grave.  Heck, you can do it with archaeology!  So someone get the Royal Apothecary Society on the job! And while they’re at it, they can slap a saddle on that thing. I wants me a new mount! Mwa ha ha!

The Answer to Snakes, Bigger Snakes and Everything!

A little over a year and a half ago, I wrote about something that had my imagination all abuzz with the number of possibilities it presented.  I compared maps, I crafted theories – Heck, I was a regular Pseudo-Rades.

And since even before I wrote that post, I was trying to figure out what the story behind the Giant Snake Tail of Gundrak was.  Because you know, stuff like that is what I write about.  Actually now that I think about it, there are a lot of giant animals with no explanation.  The snake tail in Gundrak, the giant dragon skeleton south of the Dragonblight, and the giant bunny skeleton in Tirisfal Glades (I’m getting to that one, don’t worry).

Every Blizzard Q&A I would ask – regardless if the Q&A was about lore or why we shouldn’t buff paladins – and every Blizzcon I would plead with people to try and ask to get an answer about that damn tail.  It has driven me mad with curiosity.  If I were a cat I would be dead from it by now.

Well, this year I got my wish.  This year, Jesse Cox (Jessecox.com Twitter: @JesseCox, thanks to the always  lovely Robin Torres for the tip) went before the might and fury of Chris Metzen to ask the question about what that giant tail was, not only that but he also brought a screen shot.  Now my friends, thanks to this courageous soul, we shall have our answer to the question that has bothered me so:

“That is not the thing that is driving the trolls. Its a super secret WoW storyline. Thrall is going to leave Aggra and start dating Jaina.. in all seriousness I have no idea what it is but its really awesome! Sometimes really awesome stuff shows up ingame and we scramble to explain what it is. Welcome to developing video games. We put the WHAT in WHAT.”

…O.O

FFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-

[Sorry, folks! We’re having some technical difficulties.  Apparently Vrykerion tried to drive a butter knife through his monitor.  He’s currently being rushed to the hospital for 3rd degree burns and a mild case of utter insanity.  We should be back to our normal posting schedule soon, but while you wait try some Johnny Awesome’s Apple Sauce, official sponsor of the Land of Odd! You can’t wait to get some of Johnny’s sauce in you.]

Night Elves are Pervs

WARNING: Today’s post contains SFW material viewed with a NSFW mind. You have been warned.

If you compare the Night Elf society with the rest of the world of Azeroth, they are a radical departure from the societal norms that the other races and kingdoms hold. A society divided by gender lines – the women are the warriors, the men are the druidic spiritualists. Granted, this tradition has been mostly smudged and ignored for the sake of gameplay in WoW. Probably piece of mind. You think people got mad when Garrosh called Sylvanas a b*%$& or when Jaina cries? Imagine if Blizz had said that women can’t be druids.  Ooooh, there would be hell to pay.

But in a society that is such a radical departure from what most are used to, what exactly would they could consider beautiful?  Would they even have the same aesthetic values as, let’s say, Stormwind?  Well, dating as far back as before the War of the Ancients, we know that the Kal’dorei have a love of giant statues.  Heck, they’re all over Kalimdor in “little” bits and pieces.  So we know they have that in common with Mr. I-Need-A-Statue Varian Wrynn.  But I stumbled upon a statue in Ashenvale that had me scratching my head, rubbing my eyes, and re-thinking my stance on my sanity. Which is odd to begin with because I was never sane.

Okay, I swear I’m not the type of person who sees this kinda stuff in other places (abstract art, modern art, Disney movies) but I can’t be the only who has ever noticed this.  I don’t think it was intentional Blizzard’s part, but let’s delve into this with the eyes of a nutjo… I mean ‘Freudian Psychologist’ and analyze what this means.  This statue probably dates back to the Highborne, I mean you see the same statue in a couple of Highborne ruins at least, so you have a matriarchal society.  Which begs the question of if women are often sexualized due to a patriarchical society, is the reverse true?  Would the men of the Quel’dorei be as sexualized as women are in our society?

Well, seeing how I studied film/computers/writing in college, I can say with the utmost certainty that I don’t the slightest clue.  In fact, I have no idea where I was going with this. I’m not a psychologist.  Heck, my own brain has so many crossed wires, MacGyver would be stumped trying to hot wire it. So maybe this whole thing is just in my had.  Maybe the night elves aren’t totally perverted when it comes to their art and…

HA! I was right! Look at that!  Total pervs. You night elves are demented little knife eared pervs aren’t you? Yea, that whole dancing half nude on a mailbox thing isn’t to “pay your way through priestess school” is it?  I knew it.  Heck, I probably should have seen the signs when the Blood Elves decided that their racial architecture was giant towers everywhere.  Yea, they’re not compensating for anything.  You elves make me sick.  Trying to sneak this trash into a decent Light-fearing game like WoW.  You should all be ashamed!

…And, uh, can you sign this copy of PlayElf?

Planet of the Bugs… & Elves… Trolls too

Location: Thousand Needles

Atop the plateau that lines the outer ring of Thousand Needles, just past the the Twilight’s Hammer camp where they are forging some multi-faceted monstrosity called Animus, there is a giant stone green head.  This tells me two things:  First, no one apparently likes kal’dorei sculpture as I’m fairly certain not a one of these massive statues lies in tact anywhere on Kalimdor. And two,  that Thousand Needles is the Forbidden Zone.  Oh yes, the goblins and gnomes were warned by the night elf sage, Daktor Zayas, to not venture to the Forbidden Zone. They wanted to keep their secret safe! But now I will tell the tale and reveal the history kept secret in the ancient halls of Darnasus, of how this world came to be.

Way before there were night elves (June of 2002) there was a powerful race of bug people. And the bug people often fought with the non-bug-people (Trolls and…  other… trolls?) and they had all these big wars (Infinite Bug Crisis, Final Bug Crisis, Blackest Bug, Brightest Troll) until the night elves finally got fed up with it, asked some dragons for help, and locked the bugs in Ahn’Qiraj (Which is bug people talk for “Giant Roach Motel”) so they could finally get a good night’s sleep.

What?  You were expected some startling revelation?  Well how about a giant statue of Queen Azshara… BUT WITH A BUG HEAD?!  No?  Doesn’t work for ya?  Yea. That ending is lame.  But seriously, where the heck did this head come from?  The only legitimate idea I could come up with is that it’s kind of like when you find dinosaur bones form a similar region half way across the globe because of tectonic plates shifting (That’s a real thing right? Cause my science-fu sucks. Until last month, I didn’t think Pluto had any moons because that’s what I remember some book in elementary school saying.)  So maybe Pre-Sundering it was actually pretty close to night elf territory.

Other than that it is entirely possible that 1K Needles and Tanaris were once a thriving night elf forest.  Until the bugs came.  That’s the real reason the War of Shifting Sands happened.  No old gods.  No global threat.  The elves were ticked off because a bunch of giant termites ate all their trees.  You hurt a tree, you can bet a night elf will be there to stab you in a drop of a hat.  How much you want to bet that every major war in the history of the night elves is based around trees. Burning Legion? Burnt the trees. Bug people?  Ate the trees.  Orcs?  Cut the trees.

So that what have we learned today?  That elves suck at making statues and do NOT mess with their trees. They loooove their trees.

Signs and Shrooms

This means something. This is important.

Location: Zangarmarsh, South of Daggerfen Village

Don’t worry.  The truth is not out there.  There actually is something wrong with your television. Don’t swing away, Merril, because Mel Gibson is nowhere close to this one.  What we got here is just a good ol’ fashion prank by the locals combined with some swamp gas.  No really.  Just because the locals are highly de-evolved aliens and the swamp gas is vapor formed from motes of raw magic-infused primal water does not mean anything supernatural is going on here in the least.  Really.  No, seriously.  You’re not buying this at all, are you?

Okay fine.  If you were ever wondering if alien kids on alien worlds like to pull the same lame practical jokes we do here, here’s the proof.  A genuine “crop” circle on an alien world.  Designed to spook people and garnish media attention into believing there reaaaally is something lurking beyond the stars (or maybe just beyond the Dark Portal, can you even imagine the boogie man stories that thing is capable of generating?) but it’s probably just some Daggerfen or Sporelings gathering up some shrooms and placing them in a circle (possible doing other things that teenage aliens do with shrooms as well…   Like trading them for recipes and small pets.)

But maybe, just maybe, there is more to this than we previously thought.  Maybe there is some kind of intelligence life in Zangarmarsh that we have not seen yet (I would think that intelligent life would stand out amongst ogres, mushroom people, lost ones and hippies) that is crafting this circle in means to send a message to the lower life forms.  The circle could represent unity, and the mushroom at the center could represent… um…  mushrooms?

Yes!  The mushroom is obviously a holy symbol in Zangarmarsh.  Blessed by some Myconidian god that watched over its chosen lands with a spongy fist! (Don’t worry, he’s not that scary, really he is just a Fun-guy! Wakka wakka.)  This circle is not meant to be a crop circle but an alien forged mushroom Virgin Mary appearing before us.  Now the mushrooms on the outside must represent the rest of us, so distance from our fungi lord and separated by a massive swirling vortex!  Wait.  A massive swirling vortex?  Like the Maelstrom?  The one Deathwing just came out of?  Oh my shroom, the “people” of Zangarmarsh worship Deathwing!  This is bad, this is very bad.  Must make an alternative interpretation.  That will fix everything.  Just like it does in the real world.  Umm…  maybe the swirling thing is the TWISTING Nether?  Yea. There we go.

The Mushroom God resides in the depths of the Twisting Nether. Well, I’m sure there’s nothing…        It’s Kil’jaedan isn’t it?  You have to be kidding me! Is there any form of life in this game that doesn’t worship some kind of evil being?  Heck, even the Naaru can be complete $%^#&#*@s some times with their whole “Those who don’t worship the light will killed” thing and as for the ‘peaceful’ shamanistic worship of the elements? Well, hellooooo Ragnaros.  Don’t you druids think you’re getting out of this either.  Your goddess Elune unleashed the worgen upon the world in the first place as some kind of cosmic joke.  And considering how often these uber-powerful deities. demons and demi-gods are set on causing destruction, I’d like to suggest something to Blizzard.  How about for the next expansion we get an atheist hero class?  Yea!  You could defeat things with the power of science, logic and condescending remarks!

Wait…  what we’re we talking about again?