Beware the Bunnies

So it’s Noblegarden time again, and tradition dictates that I make some kind of post about a rabbit. Luckily, I’ve got a doozy of a hare-raising tale that keep you hopping.  Oh I’ve hinted at it, and I’ve mentioned it, but now it’s time to actually talk about.  In the heart of Forsaken territory, beneath the still waters of a small pond, lies an unimaginable terror beyond comprehension:

A GIANT BUNNY SKELETON! No, seriously.  Take a look at that thing.  Look at the bones!  It’s a bunny.  With giant pointy teeth and huge dangerous claws.  I mean, this thing is probably was the most dangerous critter in the history of Azeroth and I am INCLUDING the Darkmoon Rabbit in that.  I mean, Thrall’s balls, that is one big bunny.  Where do you think it came from and how the hell did someone kill it?

Well, I wouldn’t be posting if I didn’t have some theories now would I? The first piece of evidence is quite possibly the location of the Devil Rabbit.  Tirisfal Glades is home to, well, a number of weird things.  From the ongoing fan theory that an Old God dwells beneath the surface contributing to everything from the corruption of Prince Arthas to the slow maddening descent of the current ruler, Lady Windrunner.  The Old God’s ability to twist living things to their needs can easily be witnessed in the “Faceless” and the Qiraji.  However, I am not one hundred percent on this idea. Simply because it seems unlikely that an Old God would choose something like a rabbit to be its minion to bring destruction amongst the living.  Unless the Old God happens to be Sheogorath.  Then it makes perfect sense. Because it doesn’t make any sense.  Who wants cheese?

I suppose there is some merit to having a giant bunny become a tormented bringer of the end times.  For one, just imagine the utter confusion it would cause.  No one would come to anyone’s defense.  I mean, would you send your military forces to aid a neighboring city or land because they’re claiming a giant devil rabbit is slaughtering everyone? No. You’d think they’d gone mad and stopped returning their owls.  Second, is that if the bunny is some horrible nightmarish lovecraftian nightmare, people might hesitate about killing the giant adorable death machine.  Even a seconds hesitation is enough to give beelzebunny a chance to devour you and your kin!

Another possibility lies in the fairy ring that lies in the western hills of Tirisfal.  Perhaps the fairy ring is a link to the Emerald Dream, where nature rules supreme! Ages ago, a living terror burst forth from this ring into the unsuspecting lands of Azeroth.  From deep within the dream, a simple bunny grew massive and powerful and…  okay, honestly I have no idea if there’s any backing to this Emerald Dream theory.  That fairy ring is weird.  A giant bunny is weird.  That’s about the extent of the link.  But you have to admit, I’ve had further reaching theories in the past.

For all we know, this thing could be ancient.  Possibly even pre-dating the titans.  Unless we find out in an expansion or two that rabbits were only made of stone and blah blah blah.  Unlikely.  This thing could be a prehistoric bunny.  Possible an ancestor to the weapon carrying death critters that dwell north of Mulgore.  Which would mean that this thing would pre-date the Shattering!  Or the Sundering.  Whichever of those is older.  Cause let’s be honest, the Sundering was more of a Shattering and the Shattering more of a Sundering really.

Our Hero!

The other thing is how the hell did it die?  I mean, did someone kill it?  Did they use a spear and magic freaking helmet to do it?  Did it drown in some ancient quicksand hole?  Did it drown in the tiny pond because giant death bunnies can’t swim?!  The possibilities are endless.  Though likely it was something along the lines of the quicksand idea because its head and one arm is apparently higher than most of its body. Seems like it was trying to flee from being dragged under.  I still really like the spear and magic helmet idea though.

Really, the biggest question is why no one in the Undercity is trying to come up with a way to ressurect it.  While they seem to have had only success raising dead humans (even cursed humans like worgen are impossible), it’s not out of the absolute range of possibilities.  After all, the Lich King had the frostwyrms.  They were raised dragons.  So there must be SOME way to bring back a giant bunny o’ killomatic from beyond the grave.  Heck, you can do it with archaeology!  So someone get the Royal Apothecary Society on the job! And while they’re at it, they can slap a saddle on that thing. I wants me a new mount! Mwa ha ha!

Of Blizzard, and WoW and Really Bad Eggs

If there is one thing I’ve noticed while going through the new Cataclysm 1 to 60 “experience” (because that’s the only marketing buzz word I can dig out of my brain that can accurately match the amazingly well done revision to the game in my opinion) is that someone at Blizzard – or all of Blizzard – really, REALLY likes pirates.  People like to bicker constantly over who Blizzard favors more: Horde or the Alliance – but really the question should be focused on the age-old battle of pirates and ninjas.  The fact that there are no less than 3 zones that feature pirates heavily, and several subzones that have pirate related quest chains, and as far as I’ve seen there are NO ninja related storylines thus far indicates a huge imbalance on the Pirate/Ninja front.  From a company that likes to tote their supposed focus on “balance,” this is – dare I say it?  A slap in the face!

I will admit, even as a staunch ninja supporter, I am willingly to indulge in a bit of piratey fun, but come on Blizz!  Would it kill you to put a bit more ninja in the World of Warcraft?  The best we get is a Halloween disguise, the Deviate Delight disguise and a frickin’ sword.  That’s it.  Need I remind the jury that ninja movies out number pirate movies by a fair amount?  It’s not like there’s a lack of stuff to draw from.  Especially when you essentially have a NINJA CLASS in the form of the subtlety and assassin rogues.  But no, instead we get tons of trendy pirate movie references on top of pirate quest chains, pirate cities and pirate zones!

That’s right, Cataclysm added a bunch of references to movies.  Probably the most blatant being following around Harrison Jones around and doing his grunt work for entire zone (I preferred helping the cat people). But I’m shocked at how many Pirates of the Caribbean references have been snuck into the game.  Most of them fairly easy to miss.  Today I’m only going to talk about the big three I found, but if you’ve spotted more feel free to put them in the comments section, I’m kind of curious to how many I may have overlooked.

The Obvious

The most obvious allusion the Pirates of the Caribbean movies comes from the Kelp’thar Forest of Vashj’ir.  Poor Budd Nedreck, the guy can’t catch a break in his money-making schemes.  He wants you to help reclaim some new “shinies” (which every time he says that word I’m reminded of a particular wild child in the Veldt) but sadly, the shinies make anyone who touches them turn into a skeleton.  Sounds familiar.  The best pay off for the quest is what you bring him back to “cure” the curse.  It’s a hammer. Just a hammer to break the shiny.  That has nothing to do with Pirates of the Caribbean, but I must admit, I was in stitches laughing at that.

The Off the Beaten Path

Now these references become a bit more interesting.  This one can be somewhat easy to miss if you just rush by and miss some of the emotes that would draw your attention to it, especially since there’s no quest associated with it, although there is one near it.  Just south of Ratchet, along the coast line there is an area where the Northwatch guard has taken control of the former pirate dock.  The Horde will receive a couple of quests here including one that sends you to speak with Baron Longshore, who is comfortably sitting in a locked cage.  However, sitting near the Baron is another group of Southsea Freebooters that will eventually speak to a nearby dog named Charlie. If you look closely, you’ll see that Charlie is holding what appears to be a key in his mouth.

Anyone who is familiar with either the Pirates of the Caribbean movies or ride will instantly recognize this famous scene of pirates attempting to lure a dog with keys with a bone, but it’s easy to miss if you don’t catch one of the occasional pirate emotes or saying something to try to lure Charlie in.  However, I question the logic of leaving the key with this dog.  This isn’t a jail. It’s an open area on the coast of a highly contested area between the Horde and the Alliance, not to mention the goblins of Ratchet and the Southsea Freebooters.

Having a random animal carry your key seems like a terrible idea.  Even if you train it well enough to not run off into the Barrens sunset, you’ve stuck the poor animal in an area where there’s massive amounts of bloodshed in a zone known for its copious number of hunting quests.  Honestly, it’s not like it would hurt to put the keys on a peg on the wall.  It would actually be better.  1) It would sit further away from the cage.  2) IT WON’T RUN AWAY AT THE FIRST WHIFF OF STEAK.

The One and Only Chance

No, I don't want to know what pirates do with sheep on their ships.

This last one is named as such because there’s only a small opening to see this pirate reference before its gone forever.  Namely because it only shows up during a phased event during the Booty Bay quest line to infiltrate the Bloodsail Buccaneers (I am just now noticing how fond pirates seem to be of alliteration). At the end of the chain, the Bloodsail will wage an all out attack on Booty Bay in trying to claim the town for their own once and for all, during this time the Bloodsail and their allies will be running amok all along the streets.

However, a trio of musical worgen will be sitting on the roof of the first large building in Booty Bay (The one they sell parrots and weapons in.  Cause you know, those go well together.)  These worgen will sit on the roof and sing their own wolfy rendition of ‘A Pirate’s Life for Me.’  It’s actually pretty funny and got me to sit there and listen as the pirates ransack the city.  Perhaps that was their plan all along.  A musical distraction so they can plunder freely…

You know when I say that out loud it seems rather silly.  But how I can possibly argue against it when it worked!  I sat through the entire thing!  I waited to see if the next time was really just a repeat or a second verse!  All the while Bloodsail pirates are running around me, attacking semi-innocent goblins, and creating mayhem.  So there you go.  Next time you’re in a raid, you don’t need an off tank, just a drunk bard belting out some garbled incantation to the approximate tune of ‘It’s a Small World After All.’

So there are three quick references to the ever-expanding-and-me-growing-less-and-less-interested-in Pirates of the Caribbean movies (I still like the ride).  Maybe once we find them all, Blizzard will finally dig up some ninja and kung fu references to splice into their game world.  Master Betty Pain, anyone?

Sweet Sweet Dwarf Lovin’

Location: Amberstill Ranch, Dun Morogh

Okay, how come every single time I end up talking about Dun Morogh, it also ends up being some kind of kinky innuendo laced sex joke?  What is it with dwarves anyway?  They like putting some boom in the bedroom, dirty old priests hide out in their backyard, and now I find a mild mannered dwarven hovel that has a basement ripped straight from a trashy harlequin novel!

Imagine it, you come home from the frozen and icy hills of Dun Morogh, just getting off patrol and stopping some random Horde warlock punk from blitzing Kharanos with a rain of fire from atop the roof of the tavern, and the first thing that hits you is the immense warmth of a roaring fireplace.  You follow the stairs down around the edge of the interior to find rose petals strewn across the bear skin rug.  Following the fragrant path of rose petals, you find they lead you right into a warm cozy bed full of hairy dwarf manliness!  Strikes quite a picture right?

Speaking of pictures, there’s a downright creepy one right at the bottom of the stairs with big googley eyes.  It almost looks like one of those pictures from Scooby Doo where the moment Shaggy and Scoob wander off, the eyes start following them because they’re actually just the bad guy hiding behind… the… portrait…   HEY WAIT! You don’t think that’s what is going on here, do you?  Some decked out trashy romance scene set to lure in unsuspecting dwarves into a moment of sweaty dwarf banging while whoever is secretly behind this painting is watching?!  Oh god!  I knew there were some messed up people in Azeroth, but they usually are fairly identifiable by wearing dark colors or overly dramatic monologues.  This is…  this is just disturbing.  Who do you think is hiding behind that picture?  Has to be a dwarf.  A gnome would rig up a more elaborate system of self-editing video cameras, and humans…  well, they have Goldshire now don’t they?

I can only imagine that this elaborate set up was put together by a fairly lonely dwarf.  I mean, in a society that is built on a total of two principles: Studying the past and getting #$%&-faced, you can only imagine that dwarves would be going at it like bunnies whenever they found the chance (Perhaps that explains all the actual bunnies as well.) So what kind of dwarf would want to build this love bungalow just for the purpose of spying on OTHER dwarves getting lucky?  Must lead a sad, sad life.  I can only imagine this degree of voyeurism is probably illegal too.  Which would explain the four guards standing outside to guard this little house.  They’re waiting to catch this depraved and disgusting dwarf!  That or their taking turns using the umm… “facilities.”

Wolf in People’s Clothing

Where? The Blue Recluse, Stormwind Mage Quarter

His name is Steven Lohan.  He works and operates a small tavern in the mage district of Stormwind.  He has a brother, he has employees, and he seems to have a good life.  But Steven Lohan is a lie.  Because in the chaos and panic of the Shattering, as Deathwing destroyed the Park for the sake of plot convenience for when Chris Metzen had no real answer as to why the worgen had go to Darnassus, the man who was once named Steven Lohan was silenced, and without a single soul noticing, vanished from the world in a flash of claws and a small splash of blood on cloth.

Why do I say this?  What right do I have to claim that this “man” is not Steven Lohan?  Because during Patch 4.0.3a, something happened to good old Steve.  He started saying funny things.  With an accent he previously never had before.  He began barking, “Get gabbin’ or get goin’!” at patrons.  No one knew what to make of it – it was such an odd thing for him to say. However, if you asked a night elf about it, they’d know instantly that this new Steven Lohan is not a Stormwind resident at all…  BUT A GILNEAN INFILTRATOR! (Dun dun Duuuuun)

No joke, for some reason when Cataclysm hit the live servers, this random guy who no one really had any reason to interact with in the game (I don’t think he even had any dialogue besides the normal click-on-them responses) just suddenly and without reasoning decided to become a Gilnean.  This is an excellent argument for the people who want to claim that there are worgen in Stormwind just hiding out in human guise, because well… here’s one.

Granted, there’s the chance that Stevie was a defected Gilnean that struggled against the odds to climb past the Greymane Wall, survived the harsh trek across the haunted vales of Silverpine, the warzones of Hillsbrad, the beastie infested swamps of the Wetlands, and the Dwarf riddled lands of Dun Morogh until he eventually made it to Stormwind where he learned to suppress his accent and worked as a shoe shiner until he had enough money to open up his own tavern.  However, things turned for the worse and a warlock bar opened up just up the street, and thus began a life long rivalry as Steven fought and struggled with his family, his alcoholism, his stressful marriage to a Kirin Tor woman (they are very strict) in the Lifetime Original Movie… Howling for Home: The Steven Lohan Story.

That or he was a worgen that showed up and killed the original Steven and took his place.  You tell me which sounds more likely.

If the Boot Fits: A Fish Story

"I caught something! Oh... it's only a boot." "Liar!"

Where? Stormwind Canals

Have I got a whale of a tale for ya.  It ain’t no fish story either.  More of a boot story really.  You see, down in the canals of Stormwind city there are a pair of young men – Billy and Adam.  Two young boys who seem the same as any of the other children running about Stormwind.  They’re young, cheerful and enjoy their fishing.  However, if you follow these two around you’ll quickly notice somethings amiss.  Either Billy is a pathological liar or Adam is the most skeptical grade schooler I’ve ever seen.

Billy likes to tell fishing stories.  Most are akin to the stories you hear all the time about fishing.  You know, “I caught one THIS big” or “It was the catch of the lifetime and it got away from me.”  Or something like that.  I don’t fish much.  I suck at it in real life.  Don’t judge me.  Anyway, Billy’s stories tend to have a grain of truth in them.  A golden fish that grants 3 wishes, a fish big enough to eat a man whole, or fish that walk on land and hunt – all have a bit of something that’s actually in the game somewhere.  I haven’t the slightest clue how he actually knows these things, the only time he’s apparently been away from Stormwind was when he was at camp (and caught a fish bigger than he was!) and if camp is teaching kids about giant monster fish, it’s come a long way since singing the ‘Cat Came Back’ and eating Lunchables.  The only hint we ever get to where he might have learned all this is that he will sometimes mention his father, who is never named or seen, and since Billy has no last name in the game, fat chance trying to track him down in the city registry.

Heck the only person in the world that would have some of this weird esoteric knowledge of fishing (and didn’t have internet access and knowledge of WoWwiki or WoWhead) would be Nat Pagle.  That creepy fisherman who lives in some manner of self-appointed exile on an island in Dustwallow Marsh.  Could he be Billy’s father?  Sure.  Why not.  Then again any adult human male could be Billy’s father.  Heck there’s another hermit fishing dude off in the corner of Westfall.  The only reason Nat could even be considered for speculation for Billy’s dad is that Nat is probably the only well known fisherman who could possibly know about things like Tethyr or a mystical “golden fish” that could grant wishes (To be fair, Mr. Pinchy does drop in the same waters that Golden Darters swim in.) I mean we are talking about the man who knew the whereabouts of the Ashbringer (The Ashbringer…  the Ashbriner…  there I did for you) way before Naxxramas arrived in Vanilla. Even the Shendralar learned about it because of Nat Pagle’s book.  So maybe he is Billy’s real father.

That is unless Adam knows something that we don’t.  See, Billy’s friend Adam is eternally chained to Billy’s side.  He’s heard every one of these stories a few hundred times already and he’s clearly not impressed.  In fact, he doesn’t even believe Billy.  Even worse, Billy’s non stop mouth seems to be constantly scaring the fish in the canals off so Adam can’t catch anything.  To be fair, if I were Adam, they would have found Billy’s body in the canals ages ago with a fishing pole through him (We at OddCraft do not condone child murder.  We do however find poetic justice hilarious.)  I might wager that since these two are constantly hanging out that they probably know each other, and I’m assuming they know each other’s parents.  The fact that Adam isn’t willing to believe that Billy could catch a boot, let alone what Billy’s Dad supposedly told him speaks pretty loudly to the idea that Billy’s father is not Nat Pagle, Billy is just an idiot who happens to coincidentally be correct.

Then again, I suppose that they both could be orphans.  Which would explain Adam’s frustrations, and bring up a lot of questions about Billy’s mental health.  After all, walking talking fish on land is just a myth…  Like yetis… or Dragons.

Poor poor insane Billy.