Signs and Shrooms

This means something. This is important.

Location: Zangarmarsh, South of Daggerfen Village

Don’t worry.  The truth is not out there.  There actually is something wrong with your television. Don’t swing away, Merril, because Mel Gibson is nowhere close to this one.  What we got here is just a good ol’ fashion prank by the locals combined with some swamp gas.  No really.  Just because the locals are highly de-evolved aliens and the swamp gas is vapor formed from motes of raw magic-infused primal water does not mean anything supernatural is going on here in the least.  Really.  No, seriously.  You’re not buying this at all, are you?

Okay fine.  If you were ever wondering if alien kids on alien worlds like to pull the same lame practical jokes we do here, here’s the proof.  A genuine “crop” circle on an alien world.  Designed to spook people and garnish media attention into believing there reaaaally is something lurking beyond the stars (or maybe just beyond the Dark Portal, can you even imagine the boogie man stories that thing is capable of generating?) but it’s probably just some Daggerfen or Sporelings gathering up some shrooms and placing them in a circle (possible doing other things that teenage aliens do with shrooms as well…   Like trading them for recipes and small pets.)

But maybe, just maybe, there is more to this than we previously thought.  Maybe there is some kind of intelligence life in Zangarmarsh that we have not seen yet (I would think that intelligent life would stand out amongst ogres, mushroom people, lost ones and hippies) that is crafting this circle in means to send a message to the lower life forms.  The circle could represent unity, and the mushroom at the center could represent… um…  mushrooms?

Yes!  The mushroom is obviously a holy symbol in Zangarmarsh.  Blessed by some Myconidian god that watched over its chosen lands with a spongy fist! (Don’t worry, he’s not that scary, really he is just a Fun-guy! Wakka wakka.)  This circle is not meant to be a crop circle but an alien forged mushroom Virgin Mary appearing before us.  Now the mushrooms on the outside must represent the rest of us, so distance from our fungi lord and separated by a massive swirling vortex!  Wait.  A massive swirling vortex?  Like the Maelstrom?  The one Deathwing just came out of?  Oh my shroom, the “people” of Zangarmarsh worship Deathwing!  This is bad, this is very bad.  Must make an alternative interpretation.  That will fix everything.  Just like it does in the real world.  Umm…  maybe the swirling thing is the TWISTING Nether?  Yea. There we go.

The Mushroom God resides in the depths of the Twisting Nether. Well, I’m sure there’s nothing…        It’s Kil’jaedan isn’t it?  You have to be kidding me! Is there any form of life in this game that doesn’t worship some kind of evil being?  Heck, even the Naaru can be complete $%^#&#*@s some times with their whole “Those who don’t worship the light will killed” thing and as for the ‘peaceful’ shamanistic worship of the elements? Well, hellooooo Ragnaros.  Don’t you druids think you’re getting out of this either.  Your goddess Elune unleashed the worgen upon the world in the first place as some kind of cosmic joke.  And considering how often these uber-powerful deities. demons and demi-gods are set on causing destruction, I’d like to suggest something to Blizzard.  How about for the next expansion we get an atheist hero class?  Yea!  You could defeat things with the power of science, logic and condescending remarks!

Wait…  what we’re we talking about again?

Where in Azeroth is Outland Sandiego?

When Azeroth hits your eye like a big pizza pie... that's an inconsistency in the continuity of the canon.

Location: The Black Temple, Shadowmoon Valley

Have you ever wondered about the astronomy of the Warcraft universe?  We know a lot more now than we did back when Vanilla WoW first came out.  From Ulduar, we have seen a full rotating globe of Azeroth, and we know exactly where Kalimdor and the Eastern Kingdoms lie, and we know that apparently the Blue Child comes and goes when it pleases.  But what about Draenor?  Granted, the red homeworld of the Orcs is accessible via the Dark Portal at any point, but where is it in terms of its relation to Azeroth?  My original guess would have been that it’s no where near Azeroth.  No closer than say Mars is to Earth.

However, deep within the depths of the Black Temple, you can see Azeroth from Outland. Not just as a twinkling star, but as large as, if not larger, than Outland’s moon.  Which would put Azeroth a little further than the Moon is to Earth.  Moon.  Not Mars.  So apparently Outland is actually pretty close to Azeroth.  Which would give some ground to form all kinds of theories on why the Dark Portal actually works.  What with two close quarters worlds, you could make an argument that it would easier to link them.  Granted, that argument would be founded entirely on nonsense with no actual facts to back up why since the only way the Dark Portal works is “magic” and when dealing with “magic” there’s no reason that proximity should matter at all.

But that’s not the real issue here.  The issue is that if I can see Azeroth from Outland (Granted, it’s only within Shadowmoon Valley, and even then only inside the Black Temple) why can’t I see Outland from Azeroth?  I mean, I know it’s a floating rock and not an entire planet but since it’s supposedly as big as the Eastern Kingdoms and Kalimdor combined and I can see both of those continents from Outland, you think there would be a weird floating shape in the sky or something.  Maybe the Blue Child was  supposed to be Draenor but then it got blown up and became Outland which is why the Blue Child was removed in Burning Crusade, but then why was Blue Child in Vanilla WoW which is after Draenor, which was the ‘red planet’ not blue, was destroyed?  Where is Outland in the Azerothian sky?!

It’s not there.  Do you want to know why?  Because Outland does not exist in the physical plane.  Do you know where it is?  Well, where do things go when there’s no good way to fill in a plot hole?  That’s right! The Twisting Nether.  So apparently, not only was Draenor destroyed at the end of Warcraft II, it was blasted into another dimension as well.  So why can you see Azeroth if Outland is in another dimension?  Well, there’s a theory about that.  You know how the Emerald Dream is kind of a parallel version of Azeroth?  Well, some think that the Twisting Nether is that for the Great Dark Beyond (Outer Space).  That doesn’t really sate me, but it’s better than “No clue, dude.”  Besides, you think if that Draenor was so close to Azeroth that it would be mistaken for a moon someone would have said something about it, the second war wasn’t THAT long ago. Khadgar hasn’t kicked the bucket yet for Pete’s sake.

So, you can’t see Outland because it’s in the Twisting Nether.  It does explain a few things, like netherdrakes, why the big vacuums in Netherstorm can suck magic out of thin air, or how Kael’thas was able to make contact with Kil’Jaeden. But wait!  Then why did Illidan have to close the portals in Outland to lock out the Burning Legion’s reinforcements?  Doesn’t the Burning Legion live in the Twisting Nether?  So that’s kind of like locking a door to a house that’s missing 3 of its 4 walls.  There’s no reason Kil’Jaeden couldn’t have just shown up and kicked Illidan’s butt for failing.  Instead, Kil’jaeden makes a deal with Kael’thas to get summoned to Azeroth to continue the attack from the War of the Ancients…  I think.  I’m not even going into the plot holes that surround the Fury of the Sunwell, that thing deserves it’s own post.

So ultimately I’m left with a planet whose appearance makes no sense, which trying to explain causes the a size-able chunk of The Frozen Throne make no sense, all because the plot device that is the Twisting Nether makes no sense.  Am I making any sense here at all?!

How Not To Hold Prisoners

Just use your hat to pick the lock or something!

Location: Warden’s Cage, Shadowmoon Valley

Faction: Neutral

Illidan Stormrage.  Do I have to say anything else?  He’s become a punchline unto himself. The Betrayer went from a sympathetic anti-hero, to a villain, to the Warcraft equivalent of an old man sitting on his porch and yelling for those darn kids to get off his Outland.  Granted some people still like him for… various reasons. But really he’s just a fruit loop at this point.  He steals water,  sucks magic out the air with giant mana vacuums, attacks Shattrath for no reason and imprisons his arch-enemy a stone’s throw from his front door guarded by the least trustworthy of his lieutenants.  These are the desperate attempts for attention you’d expect from an episode of Captain Planet or a Silver-Age Superman comic.

I mean, ultimately the only one of his Lieutenants that actually doesn’t back stab him is Vashj.  Probably because Illi-beans and the Naga have so much history between them.  However, I wouldn’t have put Akama in charge of anything as important as guarding Warden’s Cage.  Why?  Because I have common sense. Akama has the least reason to be trusted.  The only reason he even joined Illidan’s forces was because the Broken wanted Magtheridon to leave them the hell alone.  Once that was done, they had no reason to care about what Illidan wanted. Yet The Sets-Himself-Up-To-Be-Easily-Betrayed goes ahead and gives them the keys to the one person who has betrayed her own people just to ensure that Illidan goes back into his hole: Maiev Shadowsong.

Can someone please send Illidan a copy of the Evil Overlord List at this point?  This is almost up there with leaving the key an inch out of arms reach from the cell and assuming that will be sufficient.  The only thing that makes this worse is that Maiev is in her prison cell in full battle attire.  Granted, she doesn’t have her weapon at the moment, but he armor provides enough pointy bits that you could easily shank your way out of that prison with them.  I can’t even think of a reason to let her keep it.  At all.  There is no justification in the world that would lead me to think that letting a prisoner keep gloves with claw fingers and bladed shoulder pads would be okay.  It makes me want to kill Illidan just out of spite for his stupidity!

But wait – Illidan isn’t alone in the stupidity.  Maiev doesn’t think of any of these things either.  She simply goes along with Akama’s sit and wait plan.  What the heck are you waiting for?  A key? The entrance is a hole in the wall.  A weakened opposition? Well, all the trash and bosses seemed ready for intruders. The attunement is apparently just a medallion that doesn’t really seem to do anything and a distraction so they can run into the giant gaping hole in the wall.   At no point does she seem to register that she’s wearing weapons.  This however remains consistent with what we know.  If Illidan is a crazy moron, than what does it take to be captured by him?

I know I already did a post on a lot of the shortcomings that Illidan has as a villain.  But at no point does it seem that he’s even competent enough to be a minor villain.  His plans are childish, his army is dumber than bricks, and his nemesis is kept nearly fully armed and within walking distance of his home.  This is so bad, it is almost satirical in nature.  All we need is him yelling about wanting Netherdrakes with frickin’ laser beams attached to their heads.

Wyrm’s Import Skulls

We have the best prices on rare and exotic skulls in all of Outland!

Location: Wyrmskull Bridge, Blade’s Edge Mountains

Faction: Neutral

There are alot of grudges in the Blade’s Edge Mountains: Ogres vs Dragons. Mortals vs Dragons. Ogres vs Everyone else. Us vs Gronn.  So one would expect there to be a lot of death in the region.  I mean, we are talking about a zone that is epitomized by having massive corpses of black dragons impaled on the spear like rocks (which apparently never decay or rot…  which explains how you can keep Onyxia’s head in your bag as long as you want…  though how it fits in your bag I’ll never presume to know).

But between the areas known as the Ruuan Weld (controlled by the Cenarion Expedition) and the Raven Woods (controled by the Black Dragonflight, the Arrakoa, and the Ogres…  a veritable smorgasbord of the local nasties) there is a very interesting bridge between the two.  The Wyrmskull bridge.  Although the beast we normally assume is related to the word Wyrm – Dragons – cannot be found anywhere on this bridge.  Instead we can a very random assortment of skulls that really have no place being in Blades Edge.. or Outland for that matter.

Confusion with Ogre Naming Conventions

One of these things is not like the other...

Location: Telaar, Nagrand

Faction: Alliance

Most races in the World of Warcraft have naming conventions.  These are normally common traits that you would find in first or last names.  They create a sense of grouping that you can easily understand.  Such as Blood Elves having names with apostrophes in them (Kael’Thas, Lor’themar, etc) or Gnomish last names pertaining to some great invention (Springseeker, Airslicer, etc).  Normally, if you know enough about the naming conventions of a society, you can usually pick out a name that sounds different.  Take demons for example.  Demons tend to have alot of X’s, Z’s or V’s in their names. Take these three and tell me if you can find the non-demon name: Xavius, Bazzalan, Galakrond.

If you said Galakrond, good for you! Give yourself a cookie.  But today’s odd bit comes from a naming convention that doesn’t necessarily make sense.  In Outland, one of the most common species of sentience creatures is Ogres.  There’s tons of them! Nagrand, Zangarmarsh, and Blade’s Edge. Covered with Ogres.  So you imagine that the Draenei, who were long time natives to Outland, would have some familiarity with Ogre names.  So I would like to address the attached picture to this post. Dump, Lump… or BILLY?!