Hail to the Warchief

Well, it was an interesting election, I’ll say that much.  We had almost 100 votes at the end of the night, and what a night of surprises and twists it was!  Not really.  Despite the outspoken support for Thrall over Garrosh amongst the fans or the lavish love of fans for the bodacious banshee, Sylvanas Windrunner, every single time one candidate pushed ahead, every other candidate scaled  with them.  After a month of the polls being open, the standings were surprisingly roughly the same as when they where at the end of day one.  I don’t think the percentages ultimately changed that much, if at all. Though I was shocked, down right amazed, that Garrosh did manage to squeeze out a whole 8 votes. I was expecting Knaak to even beat him out.  Who knew?

So who came out on top?  Is it really that hard to guess?  Well, ladies and gentlemen, allow me to introduce your new warchief:

<Thank you!  Thank you all.  I am proud and honored to be called upon by the people to accept such a task.  What stands in front of us is a momentous challenge and it will not be easy.  The elemental invasion has left us trembling where we once stood our strongest: at home.  Deathwing has turned this home sweet home into a desperate brew of sour, and when it comes to living out our lives in this new shattered world, no blend of sweet and sour shall satiate our palettes!  Sadly, our children, mere nuggets of future potential,may have to go without the luxury of sauce for the moment.>

<However, through these trials and tribulations: we shall not boil over, we shall not dry out and wither, and despite what the Aspect of Death may wish to see – We shall not burn! Our crust may crack, but we have the strength to mend it.  The fruits of our past labors may have been spoiled, but we have the discipline to grow more.  We are the Horde, ladies and gentlemen.  We do not cry in our milk, we do not fall like a bad souffle, we have the guts to take this humble pie and turn it into a cake worthy of a king!

<Speaking of kings, you should know that I have already begun works to assemble a cabinet to work with King Wrynn and the members of the Alliance to mix together the beginnings of a stew of peace.  But whatever the fate of that stew, whether it becomes strong and flavorful or left alone to sour in our ice boxes – we shall make the effort again and again.  Politics, like cooking, requires time and the patience to try over and over until you obtain success.  Now I ask you, citizens of the Horde, CAN WE COOK IT?>

Well, thank you Warchief Campfire.  That was a very motivational speech.  We look forward to seeing what you do with all your endeavors!  And there you have it, readers at home.  The new warchief – Basic Campfire – as voted by you.  Will he succeed?  Will he fail?  Will Garrosh just push him off the throne and take it himself because hey, it’s not like basic campfire has any means to fight back other burning him if touched.  But honestly, how likely is that last one to happen?  Ha ha ha…

EDITORS NOTE: Following the writing of this report after last night’s inauguration speech, Garrosh Hellscream stormed into the throne, threw Basic Campfire off the throne, murmured something about ‘Over his dead body’ and then something about Grom Hellscream, and then proceeded to sit on the throne himself.  While technically it should be noted that there was a heavy scent of various liquors on Garrosh’s breath, he did successfully defeat the Warchief in combat, thus making him the new Warchief via a small loophole in the Horde’s charter called ‘The Metzen Clause’ which states that Horde politics are “subject to change on the spot regardless of how some idiot with a blog says they should work.”

When questioned about Garrosh’s drinking habits at the Orgrimmar Bar, local Gamon stated: “Dudes, it totally was NOT my idea.  I would never suggest assassinating the warchief and taking the throne for yourself. I would never tell Garrosh about the Metzen Clause because of resentment over players who sit around killing me all day and night choosing the elect a bunch of logs as warchief. And I had no clue he was going to take me seriously about it.”

Well, I guess this mystery won’t be solved any time soon.

Warchief Election: Blood and Honor

This is it folks.  The whole enchilada. The very last installment of the Warchief Election Debates.  Starting tomorrow (10/12/10) while the servers go down for maintenence and Patch 4.0.1 graces us with it’s presence, a new page will be added here at OddCraft.  On that page, you will be able to vote for your choice of who will be the new warchief.  But that is what’s ahead of us.  Right now, we have the two final candidates who as of yet haven’t had a chance to speak to each other this entire election.  Two behemoths of Orc-dom.  The Warchief incumbent and voice of peace… THRALL, SON OF DUROTAN!  And at the left podium,  an orc whose reputation far surpasses his approval ratings (which are quite low), GARROSH HELLSCREAM!  Our sponsor for this evening is…  oh wow!  It’s the Gnomeregan Institute for Advanced Robot Gnowledge!  That’s a nice change of pace.  Some good guys!  Granted, wrong faction, but who cares!

Now both of you know how this works.  I say a question and you two argue about it until I ask another one.  We like to keep it completely informal and without any sense of structure, because those are the things that make real debates so damn boring so people vote for whoever has the best hair.  Since neither of you have very flattering haircuts, we’ll have to stick to the issues.  Any questions before we begin?

GARROSH: Why is a human moderating these debates?

Bite me. That’s why.  Any other questions? No?  Good. Let’s get to it shall we.  Our first question tonight actually comes from Miss Anexxia, who originally asked this specifically for Garrosh, but since Thrall also was beat in the polls by Basic Campfire, I’m asking both of you:

QUESTION: How does it feel to know your constituents would prefer a pile of sticks to you?

GARROSH: I won’t lie.  It’s a bit insulting.  To imagine that those flaming logs were be preferred over someone who can actually move from spot without a shovel or a wagon.  I can see the alure to some.  After all, I am not well liked because of my policy that the best defense is a good offense.  They would rather see the Horde do nothing than defend our lands against intruders in order to eliminate “unnecesary bloodshed.”   To those people I ask them this.  Have they ever aided the Outriders in the battles for Ashenvale?  Did they ever pledge their allegience to the Frostwolf in order to claim territory in the Alterac Mountains?  Did they not spill Alliance blood in the name of the Forsaken or the defense of Durotar?  Can you really say that if the Alliance were to arrive at the gates of Orgrimmar you would stand and do nothing like the sticks?  Or would you be like me, and stand and defend your people and your land?  Kill those who threaten you and yours?  That is all that I can say about that.

THRALL: There is such a thing as diplomacy, Garrosh.  Speaking with the Alliance and determining a course of action that is mutually beneficially to both sides.

GARROSH: I’ll remind of you of that the next time I see Alliance filth riding around on one of their black war bears.  I’m sure that process was mutually beneficial to both sides.

THRALL: Regardless, the fact that the Horde would rather see Basic Campfire as the new warchief is not an insult.  It is a testiment to the Horde’s attitude of self reliance.  Why else would they want a warchief that is physically incapable of doing anything, if the people themselves did not feel fit to do everything themselves.  I’m proud to know that the Horde knows that it can be strong enough to act and work without a warchief leading the way.  It shows how far we’ve come.

GARROSH: Perhaps they’ve learned they have to do everything on their own because their current warchief would rather sit and have tea with the enemy than see his people protected from those who would see them dead.  You can’t keep harboring this infantile dream from the end of the Third War, Thrall.  The Alliance wants us gone and dead.  Proudmoore’s promise can’t hold them back forever, and what will the Horde do on that day?  Try to negotiate for our lives like dogs?  Stand there and let them snuff us out like pouring water on a flame?  We will need someone who can hold the line, and that pile of twigs isn’t it.

QUESTION:  The world is constantly changing, sometimes in ways that no one can even predict, how will you help the Horde deal with change?

THRALL: A question like that is best reserved for a far seer or a sage, but I will answer as I can.  Change is a force that nothing can stop, not the Alliance, nor the Horde.  It requires patience, and a willingness to loosen the reigns and let the ebb and flow of destiny steer the way.  I did not want to take up the Doomhammer when it was first thrust upon me.  I had not anticipated Orgrim’s death.  But they happened, and when the time came I donned the armor and chose to lead my people.  The spirits have, if nothing else, taught me the patience to stand back and look at the world as it is and what it might be, and act from that vantage point.

GARROSH: Spoken like a human, Thrall.  Weak and whimpering in the ‘awe’ of it all instead of acknowledging the opportunity that has appeared.  Change is a force that nothing can stop in deed, but it can be steered.  One should not loosen the reigns just as the chance for glory makes itself known.  But it requires the strength and the determination to bring change in line with what is needed.  Strength that my opponents all lack.  When it comes down to it, they’d prefer to discuss, to plan, to plot – none of them have the will to take action!  I am sick of looking at the cowardice that has befallen the Horde’s leadership.  Even the Queen of the Dead shuffles blame to a rogue agent, acting as if she knew nothing of the plague that she ordered the creation of.  Change is opportunity.  Plain and simple.  The Horde needs a leader that is willing to seize that opportunity and embrace it for the glory of the Horde, not simply hope the bones roll in our favor.

THRALL: The audacity! Garrosh, one cannot be so reckless with the lives of so many!  If one does not look before they leap –

GARROSH: What, Thrall?  They might miss the chance for victory?  I would expect as much from a warchief who sits on his throne while his subjects spill blood for the Horde.  A warchief who wastes the lives of many a soldier who died in glorious battle by denying that such a battle ever occured in the name of some false truce.  I’ll never know how you live with  your pathetic human moralities.

THRALL: Garrosh! Hold your tongue.  You forget yourself!

GARROSH: On the contrary, I know exactly who I am.  I am the Son of Grom Hellscream, legendary hero of the Horde, the orc that freed us all from the bloodlust!

THRALL: AND THE ONE WHO SOLD THE ORCS BACK INTO SLAVERY IN THE FIRST PLACE!

GARROSH: How dare you!

THRALL: Never forget that it was your father’s “seizing the opportunity” that chained the Warsong clan to Mannoroth’s blood during the Third War.  Your father redeemed himself, Garrosh.  But would you repeat the same mistakes?  What demon will you drink the blood of Garrosh?  Anger?  War?  How many will suffer for your redemption?!  Your father yielded leadership to me BECAUSE of his lust for power.

GARROSH: You never spoke of my father this way!

THRALL: You were depressed.  The Mag’har needed you.  What was I going to say?  “Sorry your father screwed us so bad, I guess he kinda made up for it like this.  Hope you don’t screw up as much”? Yes, I’m sure that would have helped you immensely.  Your father was a great orc, Hellscream, but he was also a thick headed idiot at times.  I owe him my life, and the lives of my clansmen, and for that, I helped you.  But if I see you following his shadow, Garrosh, I will not hesitate to call the earth to swallow you whole.

GARROSH: I…  You…  But…   Father…

In an unorthodox move, provoked by this somewhat sensational turn of events (and my love of juicy tabloid drama), I’m going to forgo the last question I have here and make this one simple.

QUESTION: Why do you think you’d make a good warchief?

THRALL: I would like to say that it is my willingness – No, my eagerness, to hold my values above all else.  That the Horde must not be tainted by past mistakes if we are ever to move forward in this world and that I would like to lead them there.  Perhaps I am too optimistic.  Perhaps I am performing a fool’s errand.  But some days it feels as if the world itself is about to tear apart, and I am the only one who can see it.  A warchief must serve more than just his people, he must serve all people.  The world needs healing: the fire burns deep, the water swirls angrily, the air blows, and the earth cracks.  I want to be there for my people and all people to heal the scars of war and hate.  Though perhaps I am too late to do so.

GARROSH: Suddenly, I am unsure.  Through out my time in Northrend I have felt my father’s ghost at my back, urging to me to be great.  To save the Horde from weakness as he did.  Perhaps I overdid it. Perhaps I fought a monster that was never there.  But if nothing else, I know where my allegiance lies.  For all that I am, I am for the Horde.  Victory or death and nothing less.  As warchief I pledge myself to the Horde completely, and I will do everything within my power to protect the people of the Horde.  I will spill the blood of my enemies for the Horde, and I will spill my own to see the Horde reach its destined place in this new world.  I am not perfect, I can’t say that in the least.  But I don’t think any of my opponents could claim perfection either.  But I am willing to lay down my life to protect my people.  That I can claim.

THRALL: That was good, Garrosh.  Your father…

GARROSH: Do not praise me, Thrall.  I am not your pet.  I am an orc of the Horde.  Our fates lie in their hands now.

Well, that’s it folks.  If that didn’t get your blood pumping, I don’t know what will.  The Voting Booth will be open tomorrow during patch day, and will stay open until patch 4.0.3, so remember to vote and remind your friends to vote too!  We’re determining the future of the Horde after all.  The voting page will have a link to all of our previous articles about the Once again our sponsor for this historic final event was the Gnomeregan Institute for Advanced Robotic Gnowledge. “After our 2 week crash course you’ll be building mechs in your sleep, but still can’t spell worth a damn”  Well, that’s honest advertising if nothing else.  Have a fun time tonight, Garrosh?

GARROSH:  I will end you, Human!

I am just not a people person I guess.  Ta ta for now folks!  See you at the voting booth tomorrow!

Warchief Election: Sticks and Bones

Welcome one and all to our penultimate debate for the season!  That’s right folks, we have two showdowns of verbal mastery left and then it’s time to cast those votes and we’ll see who will be the new warchief!  Tonight we have two of our front runners, the Dark Lady Sylvanas Windrunner and the cooking sensation Basic Campfire!  These two were fiercely battling in the polls, and we’ve all been looking forward to this debate.

However, since we fired Executus last time, we needed a new translator for Firespeak, so we decided to preform a horrific ritual and resurrected Hydross the Unstable…  what? He’s bilingual. Anyway, this debate is sponsored by…  /sigh…   The Nefarian Academy of Draconic Genetic Engineering And Evil Liberal Arts.  This is starting to get ridiculous.  Let’s get on with it this, so I can get paid and then use said currency to get completely drunk so I can forget this all…

QUESTION: You are both ‘outsiders’ in your own right to the Horde, what do you think your unique view can bring to the position of Warchief?

BASIC CAMPFIRE <Translated from FireSpeak>: <An outsider as in the context that we are not orcs?>

Yes.

BASIC CAMPFIRE: <What about Richard Knaak?>

I don’t think any cares if Richard is an outsider or not.

BASIC CAMPFIRE: <But…>

SYLVANAS: No. One. Cares.  Answer the question, Sticks.

BASIC CAMPFIRE: <Very well. I would say that my ‘position’ has allowed me to brew a perspective of sympathy for the common man.  I think that being able to relate to the downtrodden and hungry common folk.  After all, it is the warchief that cooks for them, not the other way around. It’s taught me to boil compassion and – >

SYLVANAS: Are you really going to keep this pun charade going? It’s not even amusing any more.  More pitiful really.

BASIC CAMPFIRE: <Look, I’m a talking pile of burning logs that has nothing going for it except for a moderate pacifist political philosophy, a bunch of cheap cooking puns and the fact that I’m not Garrosh.  Give me a break.  What I know is that being a pile of flaming sticks and doing nothing will probably be less destructive to the Horde than whatever you or Hellscream will come up with.  I’m not up at the podium openly expressing my desire for bloodshed.  How is that for an outsider perspective?  And what do you have that makes you so special as an outsider anyway, Ms. Windrunner?>

SYLVANAS: Hate and fear.  Both are important to understand vividly if one is to control a group the size of the Horde over three continents.  Fear keeps our enemies off our lands.  Fear keeps prisoners from rising up and killing the guards.  Fear prevents betrayal.  Varimathras did not fear me, that should have been a warning.  I’ve learned the value of fear now. We must also know hate in order to ensure that we are hating our enemies and not each other.  Take a look at the situation between the Tauren and the Forsaken.  They hate us.  I know it. My people know it.  But we don’t return it.  We understand that our hatred is best served in other ways, namely our ongoing feud with those Scarlet morons.

BASIC CAMPFIRE: <I’m sure the Windsong family would find your sentiment quite hollow. Or do you routinely poison people you don’t hate?>

SYLVANAS: Thersa Windsong was dying when she came to the Undercity, nothing she had found could cure her. We tried. We failed.  I suppose you’d see many a surgeon hanged with that sense of morality, Campfire.

QUESTION: The Warchief is required to some times make unpopular decisions, what can you say that shows the voters you can be willing to make those decisions and deal with the consequences?

SYLVANAS: While it seems almost every decision I’ve made could be viewed as an unpopular one in some member of the Horde’s eyes, I would say one that epitomized my career – and that turned out well, I suppose – would be supporting the Sin’dorei’s admittance into the Horde.  A controversial decision, what with their reliance on fel magic for sustenance at the time.  However, the Forsaken stood by the Blood Elves and for it we have a strong ally that has proven on more than one occassion that they are an asset to the Horde.  Despite doubting glances from both orcs and tauren, I reinforced the Sin’dorei’s forces in the ghostlands with my own soldiers.  Aiding them in reclaiming the lost regions of Quel’Thalas from the Scourge and dealing a blow against the Lich King’s hold in the Dead Scar.  Top that, logs.

BASIC CAMPFIRE: <Is it that hard for you to simply acknowledge me with the minimal amount of respect?  To use my name instead of calling me sticks or logs?  I am another candidate in this running, you know.>

SYLVANAS: Considering that some of the other candidates are the man-child Garrosh and a man who writes fantasy fiction, it’s not exactly something that’s going to garner any respect from me.  Or is being a candidate your ‘unpopular decision’?

BASIC CAMPFIRE: <Very well, but I refuse to sink to your level, Windrunner.  As a campfire, I often make decisions that are unpopular: I wane, I lose heat, I go out in the middle of the night leaving you without warmth.  These actions have taught me how frail people can be.  They have shown me that even the smallest choice – to rest, to push myself too hard and fall behind, to lose sight of the goal – can have devastating consequences.  We must always think before we act.>

SYLVANAS: So those were choices?  You actively chose to do those things?

BASIC CAMPFIRE: <Well… sort of… yes…  or when the wind was too harsh or it got wet…  or…  regardless, it has been very insightful to how one SHOULD be making decisions.  After all, the Sin’dorei with or without your support still fell to Kael’thas’ deception did they not?  Where was your unpopular decision to aid the elves now that many had succumbed to the demonic energy the other members of the Horde were worried about?>

SYLVANAS: The Forsaken were fully devoted to the offensive at the Sunwell.  Many of our greatest champions went and pledged themselves to the cause.  I do not recall many burning twigs assaulting the enemy forces there however.  Or was allowing the Burning Legion to seize the Sunwell part of your brilliant outsider knowledge?

BASIC CAMPFIRE: <You are testing my patient, Windrunner.>

SYLVANAS: You’ve already lost mine.

Umm…  Okay, getting a bit tense in here. QUESTION: There is an old saying that states “Nothing ventured, Nothing gained” what are you willing to risk for the Horde and how much would you need to gain in order to be willing to push that limit?

BASIC CAMPFIRE: <The only sensible answer to the question would be ‘Only what must be risked’ and ‘Only when necessary’ but I suppose you want something more specific to titilate your readers into controversial and angry discussions?>

Well, that would be NICE. We haven’t had a good flame war in the comment section since…   Okay, we’ve never had a flame war in the comment section.  But I would still love to see it.  I got a bag of now extremely stale popcorn set aside for the moment.  Please continue.

BASIC CAMPFIRE: <I would never risk the safety of the women and children of the Horde.  I would go as far to say that only those who have chosen to fight will be risked, because they have actively consented to be risked.  The only time I would ever break this vow is in the face of complete possible annihilation.  But no battle, no war, not even invasion would cause me to risk those who have not actively chosen to be put in harms way.>

SYLVANAS: You may find annihilation to be sooner than later if Wrynn has his way.  That man sees every horde an abomination, and wants them six feet under in the quickest possible way.

BASIC CAMPFIRE: <Why am I not surprised that you take issue with Wrynn?  Still a bit sore after he vowed to reclaim the human territory you seized from them? Negotiation is the key to victory for all of Azeroth, and assumptions are the enemy of negotiation.  It’s like putting chicken gravy on a salad, you just don’t do it.>

SYLVANAS: That’s possibly the dumbest thing I’ve heard you say yet, Twigs.  And I’m not referring to putting gravy on the salad.

BASIC CAMPFIRE: <What would you risk, Windrunner?  Everything?  Down to the last crying baby?>

SYLVANAS: Yes.

BASIC CAMPFIRE: <What?!>

SYLVANAS: Not without reason, you short sighted lump of fuel.  Such sacrifices would not be meaningless and I am nothing if not someone who plans ahead.  If everything I have been working on comes to fruition, the Horde will no longer have a need to fear death.  Who wouldn’t elect me warchief knowing that there may be immortality to be gained?

BASIC CAMPFIRE: <I don’t know.  How about anyone who has heard such empty promises from demons, old gods, or the cult of the damned?  You’ve gone mad, Sylvanas.  I can see why the good people of the Horde would be willing to elect a humble and honored campfire to the position over people like you.>

SYLVANAS: Then it will be their loss for it, Campfire.  When you crackle and burn as the Alliance razes our cities the ground, we will see where the Horde’s true feelings lie.

Umm…  wow.   There you have it folks.  I was kinda hoping for a few more Ha Ha’s there at the end, but damn.  I guess there’s a sense of finality in the air as we come to the end of the debate season.  I’m already nervous for next time when we see Garrosh Hellscream and Thrall take to the podiums.

Of course I’d like to thank Hydross the Unstable and Bilingual for providing tonights translation and not screwing it up.  And of course, tonight’s debate was brought to by the Nefarian something or other blah blah.  Why do the bad guys keep sponsoring the debates?  Would it kill us to get a good guy sponsor?  Anyway, see you next time folks!

Warchief Election: Warriors Gonna War

Hello everyone and welcome back to yet another exciting Warchief Election Debate! Last time we got some pretty awesome ratings thanks to the good people over WoW Insider (We promise not to say anything bad about you for like, six weeks.  I know we haven’t ever said anything about you before either, but this is like a guarantee.  Which is even better right?). Anyway, this week we’ve got a doozy.  It’s the polar opposite of last time – we’ve got two war minded candidates tonight and they look ready to kill, which means it HAS to be more interesting than two pacifists ‘duking’ it out for who doesn’t want to hurt more people.

As always, we have the Son of Hellscream himself, the slayer of…  (Um… Garrosh…  have you actually killed anything?  Uh huh.  What’s that?  Hmm.. okay.) The slayer of depression, the destroyer of da blues, Garrosh Hellscream! And also we have the privilege, nay the pleasure, of welcoming back the Dark Lady, Sylvanas Windrunner, queen of the forsaken and crusher of giant ice walls.  Tonight’s debate is brought to you by The Enterprise Company…  seriously?  I was just joking last time! Do they think this is going to work?  Oh well, “Enterprise Company.  Your source for everything the Venture Company has, only you can buy it from us because we’re totally not evil and totally not the Venture Company”  Can we just get on with the stinking debates?

QUESTION: Both of tonight’s candidates…

RICHARD KNAAK: I’m still here, a**hole.

Sorry Richard, totally forgot you were there… again.  Ahem.  Again the majority of our candidates tonight are in favor of war with the Alliance.  So the first question this evening is why do you think war is the best possible option as well as why your strategic plans are better than your opponents?

GARROSH: The Alliance is a threat to the Horde.  That’s all they are ever going to be.  No matter what we do, they will continue to see us as beasts and monsters that serve no other purpose but to killed off or kicked out until we no longer dwell in “their world.”  I think the fact that they still feel that way after everything our current warchief has done is proof enough that they want nothing else but to see us dead.  The best defense is a good offense.  We need to strike out and stake our claim in this world if we are ever going to have anything.  You think that those noble souls doing battle in Warsong Gulch are just playing around with a flag?

RICHARD KNAAK: Yes.

GARROSH: No! They are battling for the resources and control of the territory that those resources reside on for the Horde!  We need that lumber for the houses that our young sleep in!  We need it to defend our walls, and our loved ones! And the only way we will ever lay claim to the resources we need to survive is to take them from those who will not willingly give them.  So we fight the Alliance, not because we are blood shedding beasts but because we wish to survive!  I will not lay down my honor and roll over to die as a coward in some ditch while the Alliance takes everything from us. My father did not die so the Horde could live on their knees.  He died so we could be free people! Free from the bloodlust, the demons, our pasts, and the Alliance!

RICHARD KNAAK: Yes but like when I created Rhonin, I thought-

SYLVANAS: Surprisingly, I actually agree with Garrosh.  War with the Alliance is necessary if for no other reason than self-preservation.  Anyone who argues against self-preservation is an illogical idiot than deserves the fate that awaits them.  However, I don’t agree with Garrosh’s idea of brute strength beating down the doors of the Alliance and saying ‘gimme.’  No, to best the Alliance we are better off using subtlety.  A precise strike can do far more damage than constantly bludgeoning something over the head repeatedly.  That’s why I founded the Royal Apothecary Society.

GARROSH:  And didn’t that turn out peachy?

SYLVANAS: Quiet, you lap dog of Thrall.  ‘Everything our current warchief has done’?  Ha! Does he read you bed time stories now that daddy is dead?

GARROSH:  Hold your tongue, banshee.

SYLVANAS: You are in no place to order me, Hellscream.  The Society was founded with the idea of finding a way to efficiently and secretly eliminate our enemies without needing to lift anything more than a finger to push the button.  I see now that leaving Putress and Varimathras unsupervised was a mistake, one I don’t plan to make again.  But efficiency means less deaths for the Horde, more deaths for the Alliance and anything we can need can be at our disposal with a simple flick of the wrist and drop of well designed slime.

GARROSH:  There is no honor in that!  Honor comes from defeating your enemies head on and in a glorious battle!

RICHARD KNAAK: …kind of an outsider that could unite everyone under a single cause, be it horde or alliance or even humans and elves. Heck it was almost like I invented Robin Hood…

SYLVANAS: Your outdated senses of honor are useless here.  This is no time for wasting lives.

GARROSH: Like you have a life to waste.

RICHARD KNAAK: …And when Vereesa saw him for the first time, oh ho ho, there’s no avoiding a couple of half-elf kids at that point.

SYLVANAS: What. did. you. just. say.  ABOUT MY LITTLE SISTER?

RICHARD KNAAK: Nothing!

QUESTION: Having engaged in some rather questionable actions in the past, it has made some voters uneasy about putting you in charge of the Horde.  What can you say to defend your past actions and why should voters trust you?

GARROSH:  I admit that my actions in Northrend were… extreme.  But extreme actions is what the situation called for.  We faced two enemies in that frozen hell, one thought of us as nothing more than household vermin and the Scourge feared nothing, not even death.  There is no ‘merciful’ tactic against enemies like that.  You must not hesitate or else you give them the chance to take you by surprise.  Look at that pathetic human’s tournament in Icecrown! He left the doors right open for the Lich King to enter and doom us all and then acted surprised when he did just that.  That is the kind of weakness the Horde cannot afford anymore.  If that means we are brutal, then we shall be brutal.  If the humans want to hate us, then we will just have to make them fear us instead.  That is why I did what I had to in Northrend.  I regret nothing. My only sorrow is for those who judge me less for doing what had to be done to ensure the livelihood of the Horde.

SYLVANAS:  I will admit that trusting Varimathras was a mistake.  One of only a few that I will ever commit.  I know that now the only one worth trusting is myself.  That is why I chose to run for warchief.  To leave it in the hands of a half-cocked buffoon like Garrosh is too dangerous, Thrall is just leading us down a path of becoming slaves or getting killed, and I don’t even know what people are thinking to put a pile of sticks on the throne.  What are they expecting it to do when the Alliance marches through the gates of Orgrimmar?  Make a stew and hope they just leave because now they are full?  The Alliance is not a stray dog.  It will not love you just because you gave it some scraps.  If we are going to get things done, we need someone who knows from hard earned experience that you can’t trust anyone but yourself to do it right.

GARROSH: What about that plague that just happened to kill both living and undead targets?

SYLVANAS: A lack of oversight can cause many a malicious act to occur when one is not looking.  I can assure you that the new plague was designed solely for the purpose of destroying the Lich King and his forces.  Anything else is a product of Putress’ involvement.

GARROSH:  I smell fear, Windrunner.

SYLVANAS: And I smell Orc B.O.  Could you please go back to YOUR podium?

Well, I think we’ve heard just about enough of that for tonight.  I’d like to-

RICHARD KNAAK: One damn moment, you’ve drug me to these infernal debates twice, TWICE, now and not only have I been ridiculed and made a fool of but I have not once been given a chance to voice my opinion or present myself fairly to the voters.

Oh?  You think we’ve kept you down some how?  Okay, Richard, I’ll ask you a question.  Just you.  How about that?

RICHARD KNAAK: Excellent.  I have prepared a question just for this ocassion.

Wait… that’s not…  Oh fine! Give me that damn card.

RICHARD’S AWESOME QUESTION: Richard, what is your fantastic take on the issues?  How amazingly easily would it be for you to fix all of the Horde’s problems?  Are you really as awesome as they say, or are you awesome-er?

RICHARD KNAAK: Well, thank you for such a flattering question, I think first and foremost that –

Well, what do you know, that’s all we have time for tonight.

RICHARD KNAAK: WHAT?!

I’d like to thank our sponsors at… ugh…  Enterprise Company, “Strip mining your land in totally nice, safe ways cause we’re totally not the Venture Co.”  And thank you for tuning in!

RICHARD KNAAK: I will sue you, Vrykerion!

Next time we’ll have Basic Campfire chatting toe to toe with the Banshee Queen, Lady Sylvanas Windrunner.

RICHARD KNAAK: All of you can burn in hell!

Until next time folks! This is Vrykerion, saying take care of yourself and your main tank. (Can we turn Richard’s mic off?  Thanks.  He was really… WHOA! RICHARD! PUT THAT DOWN! PUT THAT–)

Warchief Election: Sticks and Orcs (and Mary Sues)

Welcome one and all, back to the Warchief Election Debates! This week we settle the war of the pacifists. Two great advocates for diplomacy, understanding, and utter optimists when it comes to people of all races and origins… oh and Richard Knaak is here too. I’m sure he’ll have something to say about something. Anyway, besides Richard, we have our two leaders in the current polls: Thrall, the current warchief, and Basic Campfire, the people’s favorite, have come down here tonight to participate in this most epic debate.

As with last time we had Basic Campfire here, we’ve brought in former majordomo Executus to translate from firespeak. Welcome back to the blog, Executus. Also tonight’s sponsor for the debate is the Consortium, offering you quality everything at a what recent polls have stated is a decent price. Seriously? We’re getting sponsored by the Consortium? What’s next the Venture Company? By the titans, what happened to standards… What? We’re still on? Oh Fuuuueeellow members of the Horde, let’s start, shall we?

Question 1: Both of tonight’s candidates-

Richard Knaak: Excuse me! Um… Yes, There are three of us up here.

Sorry. The majority of tonight’s candidates are strong advocates for both diplomacy and peace in Azeroth. What can you say that would convince voters to choose you over your opponent… or Richard.

Basic Campfire (Translated from Firespeak): <The key to great diplomacy is having all the correct ingredients.  You need fresh ideas, a crisp and clean perspective, and a rich flavorful background of experiences.  I have spent time with any citizen of every faction who decided to take a single cooking lesson.  I have steamed fish with the Tuskarr, I have baked pie with the Alliance, and I have simmered sausage with the Goblins.  After all, all living things have the need to eat, and I have been there to provide them with that.  I doubt any of my competitors could make such a claim.>

Richard Knaak: Well in my experience-

Thrall: No offense, Campfire, but by those rigid standards, a fork is just as qualified to participate in peace talks.  What is needed is compassion.  I must call you on this Campfire and I apologize for it.  You help to feed all these people, because they call upon you to do it.  You are at their beck and call and while you may enjoy it, you are not actively choosing to do it.  This is not volunteering, this is pleasurable servitude, and it is certainly not compassion.  What is compassion?  Seeking peace and understanding between the factions, to and beyond the point that your own people are calling your actions near treasonous.  Where the tabloids assume you must be having some illicit affair because you engage in talks with the “enemy” that concern the fate of every living thing on the planet.  That is what I have done.  I have risked every morsel of my reputation and dignity on peace and not questioned it once.

Richard Knaak: Well that’s interesting because when I created-

Basic Campfire: <Thrall, allow me to disagree with your blatant attempts to cast yourself as some kind of messianic figure. Saying that the intent and risk is the important point in creating peace and dipolmacy, and I’m saying that’s just a bunch of steam.  You can garnish the topic with all the trimmings you want, but it comes down to the meat and potatoes: Is it helping?  If nothing else I can say that I’ve fed millions.  What can you say about your “compassion” and “sacrifices”?  That’s like saying all you need to boil water is water and wanting it to be hot! So you define compassion as having personal risk in the pursuit of helping others?  Well, let’s cut to the cheese here, I am a campfire.  When I cook for these people, I am set ablaze and burn for their food.>

Richard Knaak: Wait…  you aren’t always a campfire?  What stage in your life are you just logs?  Is that like limbo, or like an infant or something?

Basic Campfire: <I find that comment racist, sir.>

Thrall: No, the human has a point. I’m curious about this too.  Are you a campfire or are you logs that are being set on fire?

Basic Campfire: Crackle crackle pop crackle roar crackle pop!

Ahem, sorry about that folks, Executus has informed me that we may be facing fines if he translated what Basic Campfire just said.  Wait.  What fines? This is the internet!  Translate that!

Basic Campfire: <Why don’t you just put yourselves out!>

Executus…  What exactly was offensive about that? You seriously suck at this job.  Anyway, while hoping to maintain a civil tone here, let’s move on to question 2.

Question 2: times are getting tough, with big goblin cartels taking business from small horde companies and the war in Northrend consuming way more of the Horde’s resources than planned, what would you do to secure the jobs and financial stability of the Horde?

Thrall: As warchief, I have set forth a number of initiatives that will be available soon to create new jobs for the Horde.  Including allocating a fund to help start a small archeology school in Orgrimmar, and investing in a new technology that will allow the brave heroes of the Horde to “reforge” their equipment.  Both of those should provide an ample amount of new jobs for the Horde.  We’ve also been in talks with some members of the Bilgewater Cartel, in hopes that it will provide us an “in” to discussing ways to protect both Horde and goblin interests with all of the cartels.

Basic Campfire: <So your method of sizzling the economy is the burn the tax payer’s money?  The ideal method of solving this issue to bring the broth of personal responsibility to a boil and slowly mix in opportunity.  Once the good people of the Horde acknowledge that is just as much their own duty to worry about the economy as it is the warchief’s, we can began to reward individuals who are willing to do their part with tax breaks.  Not to increase taxes across the board in order to fund some undercooked “reforge” idea.>

Thrall: So your suggestion is that people just toughen up when it comes to the goblin cartels running them out of business?  Individual responsibility should be rewarded, but individual responsibility is not strong enough to battle a strong business presence like the goblin cartels.  The warchief has a duty to all, even in financial matters.

Basic Campfire: <I never suggested that people should simply toughen up against the cartels, because in my opinion the cartels have no business interfering with Horde businesses.  I would rather see the warchief spend their time working to strictly limit or completely cut off the goblin cartels from the Horde.  The Trade Princes have shown time and time again that they have no regard for the rights or concerns of other businesses, or even their customers.  That kind of overbearing and ruthless business presence is better cut off and put in with the scraps.>

Richard Knaak: Well, what I would do is send a charismatic and slightly misunderstood orc with a destiny even he doesn’t fully understand to go to Kezan and negotiate with the goblins to get them to ease off on hostile trade relations with the Horde.

Basic Campfire: <What happens if your plan doesn’t work?>

Richard Knaak: What do you mean?  I don’t understand the question.

Thrall: And what happens if this representative  of yours is fails to convince the goblins to do that?

Richard Knaak: I’m not sure I follow, what do you mean if my representative fails?  My people NEVER fail.  They are fail proof.

Thrall: …

Basic Campfire: <…>

And on that awkward silence, I’d like to end tonight’s debates.  Thank you gentlemen… and Richard – for an exciting and informatitive evening.  I’m sure everyone at home is buzzing with discussions between themselves over who they should cast their vote for now.  Once again, this debate was sponsered by the Consortium, your source for everything that you can buy and some things you can’t. I would like to thank our translator former Majordomo Executus and be sure to tune into the next Warchief debate where Garrosh and Sylvanas face off in a battle of hopefully just words, and hey maybe Richard will be there too.  Richard, wanna come to another debate?

Richard Knaak: I don’t deserve this mockery.

That’s a yes.  See you next time folks!